I really pride myself on being someone that lives life. That’s not an invitation to invite me next time you are going mountain biking or over to the gym for a quick work out. I certainly don’t waste the precious time I have on this earth by doing silly things like exercising or spending time with the family. When I say I live life. I mean it the way they did back in the roaring 20’s, with a glass in my hand. Pubs, clubs, bars you name it I will be there. I usually try to justify the way my free time is spent by telling myself that as a stand up comedian it is important to get out and to really get to know your fellow man. But if we are going to be truthful with each other, I just really like drinking.

There is a problem I have noticed of late in watering holes all around our fair city and indeed, all over our great country. This problem has always been there but it seems to have hit fever pitch of late. So I have thought that now is the time to bring this problem to the forefront. As our government squabbles over whether or not the sea level on earth will rise half a centre metre in 200 years time I want to know who is answering the real questions.  What on earth is happening in our public toilets?

There are few places more disgusting than a public bathroom. We all see the cleaners go in everyday and we all see them leave. What happens after that is a mystery!  How do they turn from a freshly cleaned lemony haven to an absolute den of filth? This question has befuddled man kind since the dawn of time! However we just accept it instead of asking the important questions, Who, How and Why?

Firstly the Who, Who are these people who make our toilets so disgusting? I mean call me old fashioned but when I use public facilities I certainly try to keep them clean. I do whatever needs to be done I follow the appropriate flushing protocols, I wash my hands and I get on with my life. Am I in the minority? Who are these people that are doing otherwise? Do they go into public bathrooms with the intention of waging unholy havoc on the poor unsuspecting bathroom or do they go in there and see it all clean and can simply not help themself. I mean seriously the state some of these places are in makes the toughest members of our societies cringe. Who are these people? Forget ‘Charles Manson’ and ‘Son of Sam’ I would like to see aspiring criminologists preparing reports on the mind of the serial toilet defacer.

An even more important question to discuss is how. How do these monsters make such a mess? I know we all learn things at different speeds but I am pretty sure that going to the bathroom is one of those things that we have all been doing for a long time. You should have learnt how to do it by now! I am aware that Numeracy and Literacy levels are at all time lows in our country but are we also seeing unprecedented numbers of people who cannot pass toilet training at a preschool level?  If you went around to all the houses in our city would one out of every ten toilet’s be as disgusting as the state of our public toilets. Is the problem not that these people possess a flagrant disregard for their fellow man but because their brains can not comprehend the steps involved in using a bathroom?

And finally why! Well actually I am getting towards the bottom of the article and there is no room for why but take some time to think about why did we let it get so bad and why are we doing nothing to stop it? There has never been a time more important than now. We must march on the steps of Parliament House and demand cleanliness. If not for us, then for our children and for our children’s children (more commonly referred to as grandchildren)! Let’s be known as the generation who brought hygiene back into our society!

Thia article was originally written for the News Limited owned 'mX Newspaper' and appeared in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane on the 18th of December 2009.